Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You ~ Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Brothers and sisters, do you have any idea—do you have any notion or inkling whatsoever—of how much we love you? For 10 hours you watch, fixed on one face at this pulpit sequentially, but for those same 10 hours, we seated behind this pulpit watch, fixed on you. You thrill us to the center of our soul, whether that be the 21,000 here in the Conference Center, or multitudes in meetinghouses and chapels, or finally millions in homes around the globe, perhaps huddled around a family computer screen. Here you are, there you are, hour after hour, in your Sunday best, being your best. You sing and you pray. You listen and you believe. You are the miracle of this Church. And we love you.

What another remarkable general conference we have had. We have been especially blessed by President Thomas S. Monson’s presence and prophetic messages. President, we love you, we pray for you, we thank you, and above all, we sustain you. We are grateful to have been taught by you and your marvelous counselors and so many of our other great men and women leaders. We have heard incomparable music. We have been urgently prayed for and pleaded with. Truly the Spirit of the Lord has been here in rich abundance. What an inspirational weekend it has been in every way.

Now, I do see a couple of problems. One is the fact that I am the only person standing between you and the ice cream you always have ready at the close of general conference. The other potential problem is captured in this photo I saw recently on the Internet.



My apologies to all the children who are now hiding under the sofa, but the fact of the matter is none of us want tomorrow, or the day after that, to destroy the wonderful feelings we have had this weekend. We want to hold fast to the spiritual impressions we have had and the inspired teachings we have heard. But it is inevitable that after heavenly moments in our lives, we, of necessity, return to earth, so to speak, where sometimes less-than-ideal circumstances again face us.

The author of Hebrews warned us of this when he wrote, “Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions.”1 That post-illumination affliction can come in many ways, and it can come to all of us. Surely every missionary who has ever served soon realized that life in the field wasn’t going to be quite like the rarefied atmosphere of the missionary training center. So too for all of us upon leaving a sweet session in the temple or concluding a particularly spiritual sacrament meeting.

Remember that when Moses came down from his singular experience on Mount Sinai, he found that his people had “corrupted themselves” and had “turned aside quickly.”2 There they were at the foot of the mountain, busily fashioning a golden calf to worship, in the very hour that Jehovah, at the summit of the mountain, had been telling Moses, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” and “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”3 Moses was not happy with his flock of wandering Israelites that day!

During His earthly ministry, Jesus took Peter, James, and John to the Mount of Transfiguration, where, the scriptures say, “his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.”4 The heavens opened, ancient prophets came, and God the Father spoke.

After such a celestial experience, what does Jesus come down the mountain to find? Well, first He found an argument between His disciples and their antagonists over a failed blessing administered to a young boy. Then He tried to convince the Twelve—unsuccessfully, it turns out—that He would soon be delivered up to local rulers who would kill Him. Then someone mentioned that a tax was due, which was forthrightly paid. Then He had to rebuke some of the brethren because they were arguing about who would be the greatest in His kingdom. All of this led Him at one point to say, “O faithless generation, … how long shall I suffer you?”5 He had occasion to ask that question more than once during His ministry. No wonder He longed for the prayerful solitude of mountaintops!

Realizing that we all have to come down from peak experiences to deal with the regular vicissitudes of life, may I offer this encouragement as general conference concludes.

First of all, if in the days ahead you not only see limitations in those around you but also find elements in your own life that don’t yet measure up to the messages you have heard this weekend, please don’t be cast down in spirit and don’t give up. The gospel, the Church, and these wonderful semiannual gatherings are intended to give hope and inspiration. They are not intended to discourage you. Only the adversary, the enemy of us all, would try to convince us that the ideals outlined in general conference are depressing and unrealistic, that people don’t really improve, that no one really progresses. And why does Lucifer give that speech? Because he knows he can’t improve, he can’t progress, that worlds without end he will never have a bright tomorrow. He is a miserable man bound by eternal limitations, and he wants you to be miserable too. Well, don’t fall for that. With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.

When there was a controversy in the early Church regarding who was entitled to heaven’s blessings and who wasn’t, the Lord declared to the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Verily I say unto you, [the gifts of God] are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep … my commandments, and [for them] that seeketh so to do.”6 Boy, aren’t we all thankful for that added provision “and … seeketh so to do”! That has been a lifesaver because sometimes that is all we can offer! We take some solace in the fact that if God were to reward only the perfectly faithful, He wouldn’t have much of a distribution list.

Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, “O Jesus, … have mercy on me.”7 He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek.

“As you desire of me so it shall be done unto you,” the Lord has declared.

“… Put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously. …

“… [Then] whatsoever you desire of me [in] righteousness, … you shall receive.”8

I love that doctrine! It says again and again that we are going to be blessed for our desire to do good, even as we actually strive to be so. And it reminds us that to qualify for those blessings, we must make certain we do not deny them to others: we are to deal justly, never unjustly, never unfairly; we are to walk humbly, never arrogantly, never pridefully; we are to judge righteously, never self-righteously, never unrighteously.

My brothers and sisters, the first great commandment of all eternity is to love God with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength—that’s the first great commandment. But the first great truth of all eternity is that God loves us with all of His heart, might, mind, and strength. That love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.

President George Q. Cannon once taught: “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]. … He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them.”9

Now, with that majestic devotion ringing from heaven as the great constant in our lives, manifested most purely and perfectly in the life, death, and Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, we can escape the consequences of both sin and stupidity—our own or that of others—in whatever form they may come to us in the course of daily living. If we give our heart to God, if we love the Lord Jesus Christ, if we do the best we can to live the gospel, then tomorrow—and every other day—is ultimately going to be magnificent, even if we don’t always recognize it as such. Why? Because our Heavenly Father wants it to be! He wants to bless us. A rewarding, abundant, and eternal life is the very object of His merciful plan for His children! It is a plan predicated on the truth “that all things work together for good to them that love God.”10 So keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.

“Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard?” Isaiah cried.

“[God] giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. …

“… They that wait upon [Him] shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. …

“For … the Lord … God will hold [their] right hand, saying unto [them], Fear not; I will help thee.”11

Brothers and sisters, may a loving Father in Heaven bless us tomorrow to remember how we felt today. May He bless us to strive with patience and persistence toward the ideals we have heard proclaimed this conference weekend, knowing that His divine love and unfailing help will be with us even when we struggle—no, will be with us especially when we struggle.

If gospel standards seem high and the personal improvement needed in the days ahead seems out of reach, remember Joshua’s encouragement to his people when they faced a daunting future. “Sanctify yourselves,” he said, “for to morrow the Lord will do wonders among you.”12 I declare that same promise. It is the promise of this conference. It is the promise of this Church. It is the promise of Him who performs those wonders, who is Himself “Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, ... The Prince of Peace.”13 Of Him I bear witness. Of Him I am a witness. And to Him this conference stands as a testament of His ongoing work in this great latter day. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments ~ JEFFREY R. HOLLAND

The Plan of Happiness ~ President Boyd K. Packer

Many years ago, after World War II, I was attending college. There I met Donna Smith. About that time I read that two essential ingredients to a successful marriage are a cookie and a kiss. I thought that was a pretty good balance.

I attended college in the morning and then went back to Brigham City to work in my father’s auto-repair garage in the afternoon. Donna’s last morning class was home economics. I stopped by her classroom before leaving. The door had a frosted glass window, but if I stood close to the glass, she could see my shadow outside. She would slip out with a cookie and a kiss. The rest is history. We were married in the Logan Temple, and that began the great adventure of our lives.

Over the years I have frequently taught an important principle: the end of all activity in the Church is to see that a man and a woman with their children are happy at home, sealed together for time and for all eternity.

In the beginning:

“The Gods went down to organize man in their own image, in the image of the Gods to form they him, male and female to form they them.

“And the Gods said: We will bless them. And the Gods said: We will cause them to be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it” (Abraham 4:27–28).

And so the cycle of human life began on this earth as “Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth.

“And … the sons and daughters of Adam began to divide two and two in the land, … and they also begat sons and daughters” (Moses 5:2–3).

The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth has never been rescinded. It is essential to the plan of redemption and is the source of human happiness. Through the righteous exercise of this power, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy, even godhood. The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.

The desire to mate in humankind is constant and very strong. Our happiness in mortal life, our joy and exaltation are dependent upon how we respond to these persistent, compelling physical desires. As the procreative power matures in early manhood and womanhood, very personal feelings occur, in a natural way, unlike any other physical experience.

Ideally, mating begins with romance. Though customs may vary, it flourishes with all the storybook feelings of excitement and anticipation, even sometimes rejection. There are moonlight and roses, love letters, love songs, poetry, the holding of hands, and other expressions of affection between a young man and a young woman. The world disappears around the couple, and they experience feelings of joy.

And if you suppose that the full-blown rapture of young romantic love is the sum total of the possibilities which spring from the fountains of life, you have not yet lived to see the devotion and the comfort of longtime married love. Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds.

True love requires reserving until after marriage the sharing of that affection which unlocks those sacred powers in that fountain of life. It means avoiding situations where physical desire might take control. Pure love presupposes that only after a pledge of eternal fidelity, a legal and lawful ceremony, and ideally after the sealing ordinance in the temple are those procreative powers released in God’s eye for the full expression of love. It is to be shared solely and only with that one who is your companion forever.

When entered into worthily, this process combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings associated with the word love. That part of life has no equal, no counterpart, in all human experience. It will, when covenants are made and kept, last eternally, “for therein are the keys of the holy priesthood ordained, that you may receive honor and glory” (D&C 124:34), “which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever” (D&C 132:19).

But romantic love is incomplete; it is a prelude. Love is nourished by the coming of children, who spring from that fountain of life entrusted to couples in marriage. Conception takes place in a wedded embrace between husband and wife. A tiny body begins to form after a pattern of magnificent complexity. A child comes forth in the miracle of birth, created in the image of its earthly father and mother. Within its mortal body is a spirit able to feel and perceive spiritual things. Dormant in that mortal body of this child is the power to beget offspring in its own image.

“The spirit and the body are the soul of man” (D&C 88:15), and there are spiritual and physical laws to obey if we are to be happy. There are eternal laws, including laws relating to this power to give life, “irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated” (D&C 130:20). These are spiritual laws which define the moral standard for mankind (see Joseph Smith Translation, Romans 7:14–15 [in the Bible appendix]; 2 Nephi 2:5; D&C 29:34; 134:6). There are covenants which bind, seal, and safeguard and give promise of eternal blessings.

Alma admonished his son Shiblon, “See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12). A bridle is used to guide, to direct, to restrain. Our passion is to be controlled. When lawfully used, the power of procreation will bless and will sanctify (see Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 158).

Temptations are ever present. Because the adversary cannot beget life, he is jealous toward all who have that supernal power. He and those who followed him were cast out and forfeited the right to a mortal body. “He seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself” (2 Nephi 2:27). He will tempt, if he can, to degrade, to corrupt, and, if possible, to destroy this gift by which we may, if we are worthy, have eternal increase (see D&C 132:28–31).

If we pollute our fountains of life or lead others to transgress, there will be penalties more “exquisite” and “hard to bear” (D&C 19:15) than all the physical pleasure could ever be worth.

Alma told his son Corianton, “Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?” (Alma 39:5). We cannot escape the consequences when we transgress.

The only legitimate, authorized expression of the powers of procreation is between husband and wife, a man and a woman, who have been legally and lawfully married. Anything other than this violates the commandments of God. Do not yield to the awful temptations of the adversary, for every debt of transgression must be paid “till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing” (Matthew 5:26).

Nowhere is the generosity and mercy of God more manifest than in repentance.

Our physical bodies, when harmed, are able to repair themselves, sometimes with the help of a physician. If the damage is extensive, however, often a scar will remain as a reminder of the injury.

With our spiritual bodies it is another matter. Our spirits are damaged when we make mistakes and commit sins. But unlike the case of our mortal bodies, when the repentance process is complete, no scars remain because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The promise is: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42).

When we speak of marriage and family life, there inevitably comes to mind, “What about the exceptions?” Some are born with limitations and cannot beget children. Some innocents have their marriage wrecked because of the infidelity of their spouse. Others do not marry and live in single worthiness.

For now I offer this comfort: God is our Father! All the love and generosity manifest in the ideal earthly father is magnified in Him who is our Father and our God beyond the capacity of the mortal mind to comprehend. His judgments are just; His mercy without limit; His power to compensate beyond any earthly comparison. “If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable” (1 Corinthians 15:19).

Reverently now I use the word temple. I envision a sealing room and an altar with a young couple kneeling there. This sacred temple ordinance is much more than a wedding, for this marriage can be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, and the scriptures declare that we “shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions” (D&C 132:19). I see the joy that awaits those who accept this supernal gift and use it worthily.

Sister Donna Smith Packer and I have been side by side in marriage for nearly 70 years. When it comes to my wife, the mother of our children, I am without words. The feeling is so deep and the gratitude so powerful that I am left almost without expression. The greatest reward we have received in this life, and the life to come, is our children and our grandchildren. Toward the end of our mortal days together, I am grateful for each moment I am with her side by side and for the promise the Lord has given that there will be no end.

I bear witness that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of the living God. He stands at the head of the Church. Through His Atonement and the power of the priesthood, families which are begun in mortality can be together through the eternities. The Atonement, which can reclaim each one of us, bears no scars. That means that no matter what we have done or where we have been or how something happened, if we truly repent, He has promised that He would atone. And when He atoned, that settled that. There are so many of us who are thrashing around, as it were, with feelings of guilt, not knowing quite how to escape. You escape by accepting the Atonement of Christ, and all that was heartache can turn to beauty and love and eternity.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the Lord Jesus Christ, for the power of procreation, for the power of redemption, for the Atonement—the Atonement which can wash clean every stain no matter how difficult or how long or how many times repeated. The Atonement can put you free again to move forward, cleanly and worthily, to pursue that path that you have chosen in life.

I bear witness that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, that the Atonement is not a general thing that is for the whole Church. The Atonement is individual, and if you have something that is bothering you—sometimes so long ago you can hardly remember it—put the Atonement to work. It will clean it up, and you, as does He, will remember your sins no more. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

How Do I Develop Christlike Attributes?

“6: How Do I Develop Christlike Attributes?” Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service (2004), 115–26



As you complete the “Attribute Activity” at the end of this chapter, identify the attribute you most need or want to develop. Study the section about that attribute, and set goals for developing it.
Read through the chapter without studying the scriptures, and determine which attribute you want to study more fully. Then study the key scriptures associated with the attribute. Search for additional scriptures not listed in the chapter that teach about the attribute. Record in your study journal ideas for developing the attribute. Identify an attribute you wish to study.

Developing Christlike Attributes

As you study and seek to develop the attributes described in this chapter and other attributes found in the scriptures, the following pattern may be helpful:

• Identify the attribute you wish to develop.
• Write a definition and description of the attribute.
• Record questions to answer as you study.
• List and study thoroughly passages of scripture that teach about the attribute.
• Record your feelings and impressions.
• Set goals and make plans to apply the attribute in your life.
• Pray for the Lord to help you develop the attribute.
• Evaluate your progress periodically in developing each attribute.

Attributes of Christ

Faith in Jesus Christ

When you have faith in Christ, you believe in Him as the Son of God, the Only Begotten of the Father in the Flesh. You accept Him as your Savior and Redeemer and follow His teachings. You believe that your sins can be forgiven through His Atonement. Faith in Him means that you trust Him and are confident that He loves you.

Faith leads to action, including repentance, obedience, and dedicated service. When you have faith in Jesus Christ, you trust the Lord enough to follow His commandments—even when you do not completely understand the reasons for them. You accomplish what the Lord wants you to accomplish. You help bring about good in your own life and the lives of others. You are able to do miracles according to the Lord’s will. Your faith will be manifest through diligence and work.

Faith is a principle of power. God works by power, but His power is usually exercised in response to faith (see Moroni 10:7). He works according to the faith of His children. Doubt and fear are opposed to faith.

Your faith will increase through diligent study, prayer, dedicated service, and obedience to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and the commandments.

Your faith in Jesus Christ grows as you become better acquainted with Him and His teachings. As you explore the scriptures and search them, you learn of His ways, His love for all people, and His commandments.


Faith includes confidence in the mission and power of the Holy Ghost. Through faith you receive answers to your prayers and personal inspiration to guide you in the Lord’s work.

Scripture Study:

What is faith?

Alma 32:21
Ether 12:6
Hebrews 11:1; see footnote b
Bible Dictionary, “Faith”

True to the Faith, “Faith,” 54–56

Hope

Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom.

President James E. Faust taught:

“Being blessed with hope, let us, as disciples, reach out to all who, for whatever reason, have ‘moved away from the hope of the gospel’ (Col. 1:23). Let us reach to lift hands which hang hopelessly down.”

–Elder Neal A. Maxwell

“Brightness of Hope,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 36

“Hope is the anchor of our souls. …

“Hope is trust in God’s promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future. …

“The unfailing source of our hope is that we are sons and daughters of God and that His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, saved us from death” (“Hope, an Anchor of the Soul,” Ensign, Nov. 1999, 59–60).

Scripture Study
What is hope and what do we hope for?

2 Nephi 31:20
Alma 58:10–11
Ether 12:4, 32
Moroni 7:40–48
D&C 59:23
D&C 138:14
Romans 8:24–25
Hebrews 6:10–20

Topical Guide, “Hope”

Charity and Love

A man once asked Jesus, “Which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus replied: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:36–39).

Charity is “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:47). It includes God’s eternal love for all His children. We are to seek to develop that kind of love. When you are filled with charity, you obey God’s commandments and do all you can to serve others and help them receive the restored gospel.

Charity is a gift from God. The prophet Mormon said that we should “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that [we] may be filled with this love” (Moroni 7:48). As you follow this counsel and strive to do righteous works, your love for all people will increase, especially those among whom you labor. You will come to feel a sincere concern for the eternal welfare and happiness of other people. You will see them as children of God with the potential of becoming like our Heavenly Father, and you will labor in their behalf. You will avoid negative feelings such as anger, envy, lust, or covetousness. You will avoid judging others, criticizing them, or saying negative things about them. You will try to understand them and their points of view. You will be patient with them and try to help them when they are struggling or discouraged. Charity, like faith, leads to action. You will develop charity as you look for opportunities to serve others and give of yourself.

Scripture Study:

What is charity?

Moroni 7:45–48

1 Corinthians 13

Bible Dictionary, “Charity”

Virtue

Virtue originates in your innermost thoughts and desires. It is a pattern of thought and behavior based on high moral standards. Since the Holy Ghost does not dwell in unclean tabernacles, virtue is prerequisite to receiving the Spirit’s guidance. What you choose to think and do when you are alone and you believe no one is watching is a strong measure of your virtue.

Virtuous people are clean and pure spiritually. They focus on righteous, uplifting thoughts and put unworthy thoughts that lead to inappropriate actions out of their minds. They obey God’s commandments and follow the counsel of Church leaders. They pray for the strength to resist temptation and do what is right. They quickly repent of any sins or wrongdoings. They live worthy of a temple recommend.

Your mind is like a stage in a theater; in the theater of your mind, however, only one actor can be on stage at a time. If the stage is left bare, thoughts of darkness and sin often enter the stage to tempt. But these thoughts have no power if the stage of your mind is occupied by wholesome thoughts, such as a memorized hymn or verse of scripture that you can call upon in a moment of temptation. By controlling the stage of your mind, you can successfully resist persistent urges to yield to temptation and indulge in sin. You can become pure and virtuous.

Scripture Study:

What does it mean to be virtuous?

D&C 4:6

D&C 25:2

D&C 38:24

D&C 46:33

D&C 121:45–46

Articles of Faith 1:13

2 Peter 1:3–8

Topical Guide, “Virtue”

Knowledge

The Lord commanded, “Seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (D&C 88:118). He also warned, “It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance” (D&C 131:6). Seek knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge. Study the scriptures every day, and also study the words of the living prophets. Through study and prayer, seek help for your specific questions, challenges, and opportunities. Give special attention to scripture passages you can use as you teach and as you answer questions about the restored gospel.

Think about how you can apply gospel principles in your life. As you study diligently, prayerfully, and with pure intent, the Holy Ghost will enlighten your mind, teach you, and help you understand the meaning of the scriptures and the teachings of living prophets. You can also gain knowledge by watching and listening to others, especially Church leaders. Like Nephi, you can say: “My soul delighteth in the scriptures, and my heart pondereth them. … Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard” (2 Nephi 4:15–16).

Scripture Study:

How does knowledge assist in doing the Lord’s work?

Alma 17:2–3

D&C 88:77–80

Patience

Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. It is the ability to do God’s will and accept His timing. When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully. Patience is related to hope and faith—you must wait for the Lord’s promised blessings to be fulfilled.

You need patience in your everyday experiences and relationships, especially with your companion. You must be patient with all people, yourself included, as you work to overcome faults and weaknesses.

“Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature. There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.”

–President Thomas S. Monson (“Patience—a Heavenly Virtue,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 59)

Scripture Study

Why is patience important? How are patience and faith related?

Mosiah 23:21

Mosiah 24:9–16

Alma 31:31

Alma 32:41–43

Alma 34:40–41

D&C 101:38

Romans 5:3–5

Romans 8:24–25

2 Corinthians 6:1–10

James 5:10–11

Psalm 46:10

Topical Guide, “Patience, Patient, Patiently”

Humility

Christ in Gethsemane

Humility is willingness to submit to the will of the Lord and to give the Lord the honor for what is accomplished. It includes gratitude for His blessings and acknowledgment of your constant need for His divine help. Humility is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of spiritual strength. When you humbly trust Him and acknowledge His power and mercy, you can have the assurance that His commandments are for your good. You are confident that you can do whatever the Lord requires of you if you rely on Him. You are also willing to trust His chosen servants and follow their counsel. Humility will help you as you strive to be obedient, to work hard, and serve selflessly.

The opposite of humility is pride, which is condemned in the scriptures. To be prideful means to put greater trust in oneself than in God or in His servants. It also means to put the things of the world above the things of God. Prideful people take honor to themselves rather than giving God the glory. Pride is competitive; those who are prideful seek to have more and presume they are better than other people. Pride usually results in feelings of anger and hatred, and it is a great stumbling block.

Scripture Study

What does it mean to be humble?

2 Nephi 9:28–29

Mosiah 4:11–12

Alma 5:26–29

Alma 26:12

Matthew 26:39

Topical Guide, “Humility, Humble”

Diligence

Diligence is steady, consistent, earnest, and energetic effort in doing the Lord’s work. The Lord expects you to work diligently—persistently and with great effort and care. A diligent missionary works effectively and efficiently. Diligence in missionary work is an expression of your love for the Lord and His work. When you are diligent, you find joy and satisfaction in your work.

Do many good things of your own free will (see D&C 58:27). Don’t wait for your leaders to tell you what to do. Continue until you have done all you can, even when you are tired. Focus on the most important things and avoid wasting time. Pray for guidance and strength. Plan regularly and effectively. Avoid anything that distracts your thoughts or actions.

“I have often said one of the greatest secrets of missionary work is work! If a missionary works, he will get the Spirit; if he gets the Spirit, he will teach by the Spirit; and if he teaches by the Spirit, he will touch the hearts of the people and he will be happy. There will be no homesickness, no worrying about families, for all time and talents and interests are centered on the work of the ministry. Work, work, work—there is no satisfactory substitute, especially in missionary work.”

–President Ezra Taft Benson (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson (1988), 200)

Scripture Study

What does it mean to be diligent?

Moroni 9:6

D&C 10:4

D&C 107:99–100

Topical Guide, “Diligence, Diligent, Diligently”

Obedience

As a missionary, you are expected to keep the commandments willingly, to obey mission rules, and to follow the counsel of your leaders. Obedience is the first law of heaven. It is an act of faith. You may sometimes be required to do things you do not completely understand. As you obey, you increase in faith, knowledge, wisdom, testimony, protection, and freedom. Strive to be obedient to the Lord, the living prophet, and your mission president.

“The discipline contained in daily obedience and clean living and wholesome lives builds an armor around you of protection and safety from the temptations that beset you as you proceed through mortality.”

–Elder L. Tom Perry (“Called to Serve,” Ensign, May 1991, 39)

Scripture Study

What does it mean to be obedient?

1 Nephi 2:3

Mosiah 5:8

Mosiah 15:7

D&C 82:8–10

Matthew 7:24–27

John 7:17

John 14:15

Topical Guide, “Obedience, Obedient, Obey”

Twenty Ways to Make a Good Marriage Great ~ Richard W. Linford

1. Night and Morning Prayer … to say thanks, to ask for help in your marriage and family, to worship together.

2. A Weekly Planning Meeting … to discuss the calendar, talk over needs and problems, decide priorities and next steps. (Write decisions in a journal, including goals and discussion topics, and reasons for each.)

3. A Daily Phone Call or Personal Conversation … to say “I love you,” to touch base, to discuss the day, to show you care.

4. A Weekly Date … to a favorite park, a concert, the library, the gym; or staying home for a candlelight dinner, a game, or a mutual hobby.

5. Patience Regardless … of missed meals, tardiness, forgotten favors, a thoughtless remark, impatience.

6. Daily Service … helping with house or yard work, mending a piece of clothing, taking a turn with the sick baby, fixing a favorite meal. (Write it down. Do it!)

7. A Budget … to tie down income and expenses, help set financial goals, and give you control over your finances.

8. Listening … not only to what is said, but also to what is meant.

9. Regular Attendance … at church—and where possible—the temple.

10. Daily Scripture Reading … to learn the gospel, to receive inspiration for yourself and your marriage, to become more like Jesus.

11. Working Together … caring for a garden, painting a bedroom, washing the car, scrubbing floors, building a piece of furniture, writing a poem together, team teaching a class.

12. Forgiving Each Other … always learning from each other, trying a different way, being the first to make peace.

13. Courtesies … like saying please and thank you, not interrupting or belittling, not doing all the talking, continuing the niceties of courtship.

14. Soft and Kind Words … of tenderness, compassion, empathy.

15. Learning Together by … reading to each other, discussing ideas, taking a class.

16. Respecting … opinions, ideas, privacy.

17. Supporting Your Spouse’s … Church callings and righteous goals.

18. Caring for Your Spouse’s Family by … enjoying their company, praying for them, serving them, overlooking differences.

19. Occasional Gifts … such as a note, a needed item—but mostly gifts of time and self.

20. Loving with All Your Heart. “Thou shalt love thy wife [thy husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [him] and none else.” (D&C 42:22.)

What Happily Married Couples Do ~ Douglas Brinley

Ten ideas for enriching your marital relationship.

Having spent my career helping couples strengthen their marriages, I have learned that couples who are experiencing marital troubles often face a twofold problem: they have lost the Spirit of the Lord in their relationship because of contention, and they are not doing the kinds of activities that would bring them closer to each other. Happily married couples do some specific types of things to keep their marriages vibrant and meaningful for both partners. The following ideas may help you and your spouse evaluate and enrich your relationship.

Have positive conversations. Sharing experiences and feelings in depth with each other is the solution to most marital problems. Couples need time just to talk about marriage, family, career, Church callings, children, the ward, the neighborhood, goals, and many other subjects. You both must feel comfortable exchanging your thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism, feeling inferior, or being smothered.

Show affection. We all need to feel loved, cherished, needed, and wanted. Physical embraces, hugging, kissing, holding hands, caring for each other, and seeing to each other’s needs can help spouses show and feel affection that is crucial for married couples.

Remember that you are each other’s therapists. No counselor or outsider knows the two of you better than the two of you do! You know each other’s likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. A good therapist listens attentively; provides new perspectives on situations; compliments on progress; is patient, kind, and nonjudgmental; and helps us think things through in ways that allow a better solution. Superficiality dooms relationships because such a shallow level of communication does not create positive emotions and feelings between spouses.

Be humble and cultivate Christlike attributes. When you have a disagreement, realize that both of you have the responsibility to resolve it. Sometimes seeing a situation from the other person’s point of view is difficult. However, with humility and kindness, you can work together to solve problems in a manner that accommodates both of your needs.

Date frequently. You and your spouse need time together to renew your relationship. New perspectives come with time away from the mundane. That means dating is essential. If you have children but few resources, look for creative ways to go on dates. For example, you might ask in-laws or neighbors to watch your children while you two get away for a mini vacation. You might exchange childcare with other couples for different date nights. Above all, recognize that a babysitter is cheaper than a divorce.

Enrich your intimacy. Intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. Of course, the relationship must be healthy if this part of the marriage is to be cherished. Intimacy should not be used as a punishment or a weapon to hurt the other spouse or reward “good behavior.” It is also important not to solicit behavior that is offensive to your spouse. Rather, loving, kind interactions facilitate greater unity.

Spend time with children and grandchildren. Be kind to children. A wife will have a hard time feeling affection toward her husband if he mistreats or is unkind to their children. The reverse is also true. Husbands and wives who take an active, positive role in parenting engender love from their spouses.

Seek feedback and help each other. From an eternal perspective, we are all new at marriage and have a lot to learn. A humble approach toward each other allows husbands and wives to learn from one another. Seeking feedback from your spouse about how you are doing and how you could improve might be just what you need to be a better spouse and parent. Remember that insisting on being right is not as important as being united and having the Spirit.

Eliminate anger. Anger is a great destroyer of marriages and families. Displays of temper are not of God but of the devil (see 3 Nephi 11:29–30). If you become angry when something upsets you, your family members may be hesitant to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you.

Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels. Mothers generally make sure children get to school and other events, fix food, nurse everyone, and serve as the family psychologist—in many cases, for most of the day. Working spouses often come home tired and drained. This can make emotions extra raw. Both spouses will benefit from seeking to make homecoming a positive experience for each other and the children. That may mean leaving frustrations at the door on the way into the home, or it might mean adjusting daily routines from time to time to accommodate one or both spouses. The key is to seek to support each other through good times as well as those difficult moments.

In addition, here are a few more specific things all couples can do that, through consistent effort, will bring happiness into the home and invite the Spirit into your lives:

• Kneel together in prayer morning and night to call down the powers of heaven to bless your marriage.
• Study the scriptures individually and as a family.
• Attend the temple together regularly.

My all-time favorite short piece of counsel on marriage came from President Gordon B. Hinckley, who shared this important key to a great marriage: “A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”1 If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do.

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Quick to Forgive
President Spencer W. Kimball
Photograph of Spencer W. Kimball by Eldon K. Linschoten

“Marriage partners must be quick to forgive. If we will sue for peace, taking the initiative in settling differences—if we forgive and forget with all our hearts … if we forgive all real or fancied offenses before we ask forgiveness for our own sins—if we pay our own debts, large or small, before we press our debtors—if we manage to clear our own eyes of the blinding beams before we magnify the motes in the eyes of others—what a glorious world this would be! Divorce would be reduced to a minimum; courts would be freed from disgusting routines; family life would be heavenly; the building of the kingdom would go forward at an accelerated pace; and the peace which passeth understanding would bring to us all a joy and happiness which has hardly ‘entered into the heart of man.’”

The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (1982), 242.

Seven Steps to Strengthen a Marriage ~ Janette K. Gibbons

Marriage demands work. A happy marriage exacts the very best of us. Yet above all, maintaining a successful marriage is a choice.

At every opportunity, the adversary will cunningly, quickly supply us with negative responses to events and people around us, especially our spouses. After all, the breaking down of a marriage is one of his prime opportunities to inflict eternal damage on Heavenly Father’s children. But we can thwart Satan’s efforts. In the moment that the adversary suggests to us evil, unkind thoughts, we can choose not to accept them—not to respond to our spouse in an unkind, out-of-control way. We can choose instead to respond with love and charity.

As my husband and I strive to develop the celestial attributes within ourselves and the celestial potential in our marriage, we try to abide by seven gospel-centered truths that help us choose righteous responses.

1 We have a clear goal in mind.
We visualize ourselves one day standing together in the eternities as husband and wife. Whenever we encounter a challenge with regard to our children, we try to remember that the goal of building a celestial marriage and gaining eternal life is the most important, meaningful part of life together on this earth.

2 We try to remember that our Heavenly Father must be included in our partnership.
No matter how much effort we spend, without Him we will always fall short. We sustain and nourish our marriage when we pray together as husband and wife, ask for His help, and express love for one another to Him.

3 We acknowledge the reality that Satan is our enemy.
We have come to realize that we must be on constant lookout for his sabotage. There is no event or no failing he would not exploit to weaken and overcome us.

4 When my husband and I come to a tough moment, I choose to remember that he is my best friend.
I remind myself, “He would not purposely do anything to hurt me.” He takes the same attitude toward me. This empowers us to be in control of our thoughts and responses, and it takes control from our enemy.

5 We remember that we are growing together toward perfection.
Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, “An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord” (“Our Sacred Duty to Honor Women,” Ensign, May 1999, 39). My husband and I try to remember that each of us is imperfect. Much of the pressure in our relationship is released when we both allow for the other’s shortcomings.

6 We accept the reality that differences of opinion occur, even in the best marriages.
Respecting the opinion of one’s spouse honors and builds that individual. Elder Nelson mentions “striving to complement” each other. Complement, spelled with an e, not an i, means to complete or make perfect, not to be exactly alike. Two people who are not exactly alike in thought can still build a harmonious, enduring marriage. Recently, as my husband and I witnessed a temple sealing, we were reminded by the sealer’s counsel that it is more important to be loving than to be right.

7 Honest but charitable communication is essential to a solid marriage.
Dwelling on negative thoughts about a spouse or about wrongs inflicted fosters unhappiness, damages friendship, and can eventually lead to divorce. Instead, each spouse must feel safe and free to openly and honestly express thoughts and feelings. My husband and I have found that the sooner our concerns are expressed to one another, the sooner harmony can be restored to our marriage.

Practicing these seven principles can help shield us from the adversary’s attacks. There are times when Satan wins a battle in the homes of married couples. But as we align our hearts and our actions with eternal truths, we can win the war.
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The Secret of Happiness
President Ezra Taft Benson
“The secret of a happy marriage is to serve God and each other. The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.”
President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994), “Fundamentals of Enduring Family Relationships,” Ensign, Nov. 1982, 60.

Marriage is Like a Puzzle: Not a Weekend Project...

How can dating or marriage be like a puzzle?

• Seeing the overall picture
• Needing to be patient in the process, to yourself, and to your companion
• Having a boarder, like a foundation, to build off of for the center
• Having someone who will want to finish the puzzle with you and not want to quit
• Having someone with you so you can divide and conquer the task at hand
• More the more sets of eyes to help see the big picture for the puzzle is better than just your set of eyes
• You don't quit on a certain pieces that don't fit instantly

Family Home Evening Activities

Fun with Games

“Fun with Games,” Family Home Evening Resource Book (1997), 290

Have fun making up your own games. See how creative you can be. You may have as much fun making them as playing them.

Activity

This activity can be used many times during the year. There are many kinds of games your family may want to create. Three kinds are illustrated below, just to give you ideas of how to make up some in your own family. All of these games are “homemade.” See what you can do.

Thought Games

“What Animal Am I?” Have each member of the family think of an animal he would like the family to guess. Choose one person to start. Have him act out what that animal does until someone guesses what animal he is pretending to be. The person who first guesses correctly gets a chance to act. Be sure everyone gets a turn to be the animal at least once.

“Guess Who.” Have one member of the family think of some favorite or unusual scripture character. One at a time the rest of the family can ask him questions about this person, taking turns around the family circle. The first one who thinks he knows the correct name raises his hand and asks to answer the questions about the character himself. If his answers are right (the one who chose the personality will know), he continues until someone else guesses and takes over the answering. If someone’s guess is wrong, he will answer the next few questions incorrectly (as judged again by the person who chose the name) and will be out of the game to sit by and watch while the others play until everyone in the family knows the correct personality. If two people guess on the same turn, the first gets to answer at least one question before the second one takes over as the answerer.

Board games

Invent a game of travel, taking the players from some famous scripture site to another. Decide on where you want the game to start and end. (See the game illustrated below.) You may want to take Abraham from Ur to Haran and down into Palestine, or you may want to have him go from Palestine to Egypt and return.

On a big poster board or large piece of paper, draw a rough map of Egypt and Palestine, putting in all the major cities, lakes, and rivers. Draw in squares between these landmarks as shown in the illustration. Have the family choose some things to use as their “men”—buttons, thimbles, pebbles, beans. Work out some way to determine the number of spaces each will move each turn—using a spinner, dice, or drawing numbered cards.

You may want to add more excitement to the game by coloring every seventh square red. If a player lands on one of these red squares, he must go back three spaces.

Activity Games

“Ringer.” Get three soft-drink bottles and line them up with a piece of paper under each designating the number of points possible.

Have each member of the family toss fruit jar rings to see what score they can achieve by getting ringers. Each should get three tosses a turn. To balance skill and ability for various ages, allow small children to stand closer to the bottles. Keep score for as many turns as you want each to have, but be sure you decide the number of turns before the game starts.

“Ball tag.” Play tag with a ball by letting everyone run around and dodge the ball that the person who is “it” is trying to touch players with. The player who is touched becomes “it” and tries to touch someone else with the ball.

“Baseball with marbles.” Set up four blocks of wood and three glasses as shown in the illustration, with the glasses on their sides. Mark the blocks “first base,” “second base,” “third base,” and “home run,” consecutively. Each represents a hit.

Divide into teams as fits your family size and ages. The object of this homemade game is to pitch or shoot the marbles and hit one of the blocks. If you miss and the marble goes into a glass you are out. If you miss a block and the marble does not go into a glass that is a strike. The other rules of baseball can be applied, or you can make up your own rules. Keep careful score as to how many runs you make, who are on the bases, how many outs the team has, and the number of innings. You may want to make the game much more difficult if your family is good at marbles. You can put more glasses around where they will complicate the pitching and make accuracy more important. (See illustration.)

“Fishing.” Make a fishing pole out of a stick and a long string. On the end of the string attach a paper clip, hairpin, or anything else with which you can make a hook. Make about ten fish by drawing them on either side of a folded piece of paper as shown in the illustration. The hole through which you must hook them to get a “catch” should be cut on both sides of the folded paper.

Put the ten fish on the floor all spread out and see how many fish each one can catch in turn within a one minute time limit. The fisherman must get the fish from the floor into his hand to count it as a catch.

You may wish to vary the game by seeing how long it takes each one to catch all ten fish. Make up your own rules—and your own game. It’s fun!

“What Do You Hear?” Have all the family members close their eyes for one whole minute, listen, and note all the sounds they hear. After a minute, have them open their eyes and take turns naming the sounds they heard.

“Mother Goose Charades.” Divide the family into two teams, with an adult or teenager heading each team. One team acts out a Mother Goose rhyme in pantomime. The other team guesses what the nursery rhyme is. Then they switch roles.

“Whirlwind.” All stand or sit in a circle. One person says, “I’m thinking of something.” He then gives three clues, such as, “It can swim. It doesn’t live in the water. It has webbed feet.” When someone thinks he knows the answer, he whirls around in his place and says, “Whirlwind.” Then he tells what he thinks it is. The one who guesses correctly gives the next three clues.

“Buzz.” The players sit in a circle. They begin counting with one, each player taking a turn calling the next number. When seven is reached, the person says, “Buzz,” instead of the number. This is true of any number with seven in it (such as seventeen) or any multiple of seven (such as twenty-one). When reaching seventy, the players say, “Buzz,” for all the numbers; but when seventy-seven is reached, the player must say, “Buzz, buzz.” Each player who fails to say “Buzz” or “Buzz buzz” when he should is out of the game. The last one out wins.

“How’s Your Memory?” The players are seated in a circle. The first player starts by saying, “One old ostrich.” The next player repeats this phrase and adds another phrase, saying, “One old ostrich and two tree toads twisting tendrils.” Each time the phrases are repeated in order and the player adds one of his own. This goes on around the circle until there are at least ten phrases. When a person makes a mistake, he is eliminated. There should be a prize for anyone who can finish without a mistake.

Use phrases such as the following.

One ostrich

Two tree toads twisting tendrils

Three tiny titmice tapping trees

Four fat friars fanning flames

Five fluffy finches flying fast

Six of Susie’s sisters sewing shirts

Seven seashells in Sarah’s shawl

Eight elves eating Easter eggs

Nine nimble noblemen nibbling nuts

Ten throbbing thrushes twittering tunes in time

“Ghost.” The players sit in a circle. The first player says the first letter of a word he is thinking of. It must be a word with more than two letters. The next player thinks of a word beginning with that letter and adds the second letter. The third player adds another letter. The game continues in this way until someone makes a complete word. Each player tries not to complete a word. Suppose the first three players had named the letters n-e-x and the fourth player can think of nothing but the word next and adds the t; he then becomes a “half-ghost.” The next player starts another word. If a half-ghost ends another word he becomes a “ghost” and may no longer participate in forming words. Anyone who speaks to a ghost becomes a ghost also. The ghost remains in the game by trying to draw others into conversation with him.

A player must always have in mind a word of more than two letters. If one player doubts that another has in mind a legitimate word, he may challenge that player. The player challenged must then state the word. If he cannot, he becomes a half-ghost or a ghost. If he does state a word, the person who challenged him becomes a half-ghost or a ghost.

“The Old Hen and the Chickens.” One person is chosen to be Old Hen. That person leaves the room. The family decides who will be Little Chick. Then they all sit with bowed heads. Old Hen comes back into the room and says, “cluck, cluck.” Little Chick answers, “Peep, peep.” After they all raise their heads, Old Hen tries to guess who her chick is. Then Little Chick becomes Old Hen and leaves the room. If in three tries Old Hen does not guess who Little Chick is, she should be told.

“Animal Farm.” The family sits on chairs in a circle. They choose one member to be the farmer. The farmer kneels blindfolded in front of another family member and says the name of an animal. That person disguises his voice and makes the sound that animal makes. The farmer tries to guess who the person making the animal sound is. If he guesses correctly, the person who made the sound becomes the new farmer.

“Buckle-Buckle Beanstalk.” Family members are shown an object—a block or small toy—which they are to look for later. Then all except one person leave the room. The one left places the object in sight somewhere in the room. When the others return, the first person to spot the object cries, “Buckle-Buckle Beanstalk.” He then takes a turn placing the object while the others leave the room.

“The Boy and the Bell.” The family members are seated on chairs in a circle. One person, who is the “bell boy,” sits in the middle of the circle with a small bell under his chair. He is either blindfolded or closes his eyes tightly so he cannot see. Another member of the family creeps up, grasps the bell, holds the clapper to keep it from ringing, and takes it to his seat. He puts both hands behind him, still holding the bell. All the rest of the family put their hands behind them, also. The one who has the bell rings it softly. The bell boy takes off his blindfold and tries to guess who has the bell. It may be necessary for the bell to be rung several times.

“Fruit Basket.” One member of the family is chosen to be the caller. The rest of the family members sit in a circle on chairs. The caller gives each member, including himself, the name of a different fruit. When he calls out the names of two fruits, such as apples and pears, the two who were given the names of those fruits must change seats. The caller tries to slip into one of the seats, leaving someone else without a seat. The one without a seat is the new caller. At any time the caller may say, “The fruit basket tipped over.” Then all must change seats, and the caller tries to get any empty seat, leaving another person as caller.

“Dress-Up Race.” For each child, prepare a sack containing items of clothing such as a scarf, a ribbon, shoes, a belt, or a wig. Each child starts from a certain point with his sack. Upon reaching a given point, each opens his sack, puts on the items of clothing, and returns to the starting point. The first one to return wins. Older children could be given more items of clothing to put on. This game will be most successful with at least six players. It is a good game to play when you invite another family to join with you for a home evening.

“Feather Volleyball.” Tie a string or rope between two chairs for a net. One team stands on each side of the net. One team starts the game by tossing a feather (a downy one that will float) into the air and trying to blow it over the net and onto the ground on the other team’s side. The opposing team tries to keep the feather from falling on their side, and tries to blow it back over the net. When the feather falls on one side of the net, the team on the other side wins a point. Play continues until one team wins the game by gaining eleven points.

“Bottle Build-Up.” Give each member of your family ten or fifteen toothpicks or matches. All should have the same number. Place a narrow-necked bottle on a table. The object is to stack the toothpicks or matches on top of the bottle across the opening. Each player in turn places one toothpick across the opening of the bottle. This continues until one of the players upsets the pile. The person who upsets the pile must take all the toothpicks that fall. The winner is the player who gets rid of all his toothpicks. If your family consists of only older children and adults, increase the number of toothpicks each has to make the game more difficult.

“Jinx-Up—Jinx-Down.” Divide the family into two teams. Have the teams sit on opposite sides of a sturdy table. Choose someone to be captain of each team. No one but the captain gives orders. Give one team a coin about an inch in diameter. On the signal to start, this team starts passing the coin among themselves from player to player under the table. At the call “Jinx-up” from the captain of the opposing team, all members of the team with the coin must raise their hands above the table, keeping their fists clenched. At the command “Jinx-down” by the captain of the opposing team, all must slap their hands flat on the table.

The opposing side then consults together to guess who has the coin. The captain orders the hands raised, one at a time. When he orders the hand up that is hiding the coin, his team wins as many points as there are hands left on the table.

The coin is then given to the other side. The team that first scores twenty-one wins.

Clear Communication: the art of it

The Focus of this topic is the understanding how clear communication is huge if you want to be successful in your relationships and especially within your family and eternal companion.

Speak, Listen, and Love

Mark Ogletree

As a marriage and family counselor, I often visit with couples to help them repair or strengthen their relationships. In one instance, I met with a woman who had been married to her husband for only a few months, and she told me that they were having major communication problems. After talking to her husband, I noticed that he was actually a skilled communicator—just not with his wife.

I have learned over the years that healthy communication affects both the heart and the mind. If we can communicate better—meaning more clearly and concisely—then we can forge deeper emotional connections, resolve conflicts, and strengthen the bonds in our marital relationship. Following are some ways that each of us can improve the quality of communication in our relationships.

Engage in Meaningful Conversations
Dr. Douglas E. Brinley, a Church member who is a marriage and parenting specialist, wrote about three levels of communication in relationships: superficial, personal, and validating. In order for a deep bond to form between a husband and a wife, there needs to be a balance between all three.1

Superficial
Communication that falls in the superficial level is informative and nonconfrontational, and it involves a low level of risk. Every married couple spends some time at this level as they coordinate schedules, discuss the weather, or comment on gas prices. Although this type of communication is necessary, individuals cannot become deeply connected and bound together if the majority of communication remains here.

Superficial communication can supplant deep and meaningful conversations. If couples tiptoe around deeper issues that should be discussed, they will never learn to resolve conflict or connect with each other. Couples bond as they discuss things that matter—not things that don’t. I have seen many couples in my practice who have tried to preserve their relationship by keeping their communication at the superficial level. By avoiding the “weightier matters” (Matthew 23:23), they have actually destroyed their marriage.

Personal
During personal communication, you share your interests, dreams, passions, beliefs, and goals. You also are open to sharing your fears and inadequacies. Communicating all these issues in a Christlike manner is one way couples connect and strengthen the relationship. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–1994) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught, “Communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.”2

You probably engaged in this level of communication as you were dating. This is the level where men and women fall in love with each other. As you continue to share what is important, you and your spouse will feel mutually appreciated, wanted, valued, and needed. As you learn to validate what your spouse shares—showing that what he or she says is important to you—you will progress to the next level of communication.

Validating
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to nurture and provide comfort to each other.3 Marriage experts Sandra Blakeslee and Judith S. Wallerstein have written: “A marriage that does not provide nurturance and restorative comfort can die of emotional malnutrition.”4 Communication that validates is edifying, healing, nurturing, and complimentary. In this level of communication, we express praise and compliments to those we care about. Almost every relationship will thrive if there is a healthy dose of validation.

Validation begins with paying attention to what your spouse is saying and includes expressing ideas and thoughts that are edifying and healing. Look for the good in your spouse and tell him or her. If your spouse had a difficult day, you could validate him or her by listening and offering comfort. You could say, “I’m sorry you had a hard day; tell me more about what happened” or “What can I do to make the rest of your day better?” Perhaps you could say, “I can see why your day was so difficult, but I have confidence in your intelligence and work ethic. I know you will be able to solve that problem.” Statements such as these demonstrate that you have sympathy for your spouse’s distress and care about him or her. By verbally acknowledging your spouse’s emotions, fears, thoughts, or concerns, you are communicating validation and conveying appreciation, love, and respect.5

Practice the Art of Listening
The greatest communication skill is being an effective listener. One of the most charitable demonstrations in marriage is to truly focus on your spouse and listen to him or her—really listen—regardless of what we want to say. Being heard is akin to being loved; in fact, being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation. By listening, we are saying to our spouse, “You matter to me, I love you, and what you have to say is important.”

In marriage the goal of listening should not be to acquire information but to gain understanding. To truly understand your spouse is to see an issue the way your spouse sees it. Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that husbands and wives should “learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.”6 Effective listening helps us to set aside our own will and pride and connect soul-to-soul with our spouse.

Elder Joe J. Christensen, formerly of the Seventy, counseled: “Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule it regularly. Visit with each other and assess how you are doing as a marriage partner.”7 Setting aside time to talk where there are no distractions will help to solve problems. Make sure to be positive, maintain a Christlike demeanor, and avoid interrupting your spouse when he or she is talking to you.

Nonverbal Cues
Another aspect of communication that is sometimes overlooked is nonverbal communication. What you say and how you say it is important, but so is your body language. Do you look your spouse in the eye when she talks to you? Do you roll your eyes when he tells you that he had a hard time at work? Does your facial expression show interest and sincerity, or does it display boredom and irritation? Do you express your love with physical affection? Sometimes a hug or a smile can convey your love more than words can. Regardless of the type of conversation—whether it’s about the latest news article or your life ambitions—positive body language can reinforce validation and strengthen your relationship.

Emulate the Savior’s Communication
As you engage in meaningful conversations with your spouse, guide your actions and words by following the example of Jesus Christ. His communication with others radiated love, care, and concern. He spoke gently and loved purely. He showed compassion and granted forgiveness. He listened attentively and demonstrated charity. Likewise, if we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us.

When I meet with couples, I often ask them to analyze their communication patterns and improve upon them. As they have applied the principles of meaningful conversations in their relationships, I have seen changes toward a healthier marriage. Understanding your spouse, creating an environment that fosters open communication and expression, and demonstrating fondness and admiration are keys to a stronger relationship and a happier marriage.

The author lives in Utah, USA.

Improving Your Relationship with Heavenly Father
As you incorporate these communication principles in your marriage, you may also want to apply them to your relationship with Heavenly Father. Many people communicate with God at a superficial level. If you pray out of duty or use habitual phrases, you may find it difficult to connect with Heavenly Father and He will feel distant. Communicating with God is different from just talking to Him. President Joseph F. Smith (1838–1918) taught: “We do not have to cry unto him with many words. We do not have to weary him with long prayers. … Let the prayer come from the heart, let it not be in words that are worn into ruts in the beaten tracks of common use, without thought or feeling in the use of those words.”8 Do you share with your Heavenly Father your innermost beliefs, feelings, and desires? Have you shared with Him the secret ambitions that lie in your heart? Can you pour out your heart to Him? And do you practice listening for His responses?

Sincere words spoken in humble prayer will allow you to develop a deeper connection with Heavenly Father. Listening for and implementing His counsel will enrich and strengthen the relationship. As you express gratitude for specific blessings, live the gospel, and become more like Jesus Christ, you will demonstrate your love for Heavenly Father.

(FEBRUARY 2014)